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Saturday, January 28, 2012

♥

What happened to us? Why are we so different now ? Why cant we talk like how we used to? Did i take the wrong step to let you into my life ?I gave you a chance, i gave myself a chance, i gave us a chance.But it seems like nothing is working out. So many things have changed. You blame me for being so defensive and bitchy now, but ask yourself , why am i like this now ? Why?
Recently, everything seems like im the one at fault, im the bad guy. And yes, most of time, i am. But then again, ask yourself, why? Im just scarred and im trying to protect myself from getting hurt again. Its not a good thing that im like this now, of couse i know that but i just cant help it. No one is there to help me, to guide me through everything. No one is there to completely understand things from my point of view.All i want is just someone to pamper me, to give in to me at the right time and to teach me nicely. You're teaching me in the harsh way .I've learnt everything myself and i've depended on myself to get to this stage of our relationship. Nobody taught me how to be a good girlfriend, no one taught me how to statisfy you and your expectations. And you know damn right, how difficult you are. I know i am difficult too, but i dont expect a lot from you, do i?
your words are like knives everytime we are in an argument, you put me down so much ,you hurt me like as if you dont care. And sometimes, i am really convinced that you dont give a damn about me, y'know that ?Sometimes,i just ask myself " is it worth it to stay? Is it worth it to let a guy hurt you like this? " But im not leaving and i didnt leave cause i love you so fucking much and i know thats not the real you, cause i trust you.But do you?
you'd take major offense in almost everything i do and say, i really dont know what to do anymore. I dont know what to do with myself so i can please you.
Do you even take into consideration that this is the first time im in a relationship? Do you? And you're my first boyfriend,YOU.A guy thats fucking deep and smart that made me feel so inferior. And you expect me to learn from all your harsh comments.I really wish that we would be like how we used to. midnight calls everynight, talking about life without me feeling uncomfortable and inferior.But i doubt that can happen again at the rate we are going.
Is it time to let go,honey? I really dont know, sometimes i feel that we might not be the one for each other, but i just cant bear to leave you. i cant believe i love you so fucking much ,im willing to suffer in silence unless you do something about it.I hope you see this someday, but i doubt so cause you probably wouldnt even remember that i have this blog. Am i right?

Im losing hope every single time we quarrel.I'm so tired, im drained. I need a getaway. I need you to understand, I need you.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

♥

I just realized that I don't know what I wanna do with my life. I dont know what I can do in the future. What do I wanna be? What is my dream
Job? What do I wanna work as ?
I have no idea. I'm not good at anything. I can't do programming. I can't really do business shit. I love science, but I suck at it. What can i do? Practically, nothing.
Whats wrong with me? Why am I such a failure in life? I didn't even accomplish anything.
I suck at studying now. I'm not as sociable as I was, I'm stubborn and i don't know about so many things. What can I do with myself?
I feel like I'm letting my parents down. I hope for the world to end now. I don't even think I would have the capability to earn a living in the future. I have no future.

Monday, January 17, 2011

♥

In a blink of an eye, its already 2011.It still feels like as if im in secondary school being all crazy and fun.heh , i kinda miss those days.It has been a year and lots of things have changed.I have new characters in my life now,and also,some of the old ones left.I guess some people just come and go in life :/Im not even sure if im really ready for all these changes.I keep thinking im 16 when im actually turning 18 this year.

Yeah,its true that lots of things have changed but i do like one of the changes in my life; Its that i'm really glad that i've found someone whom i love more than i actually thought i would. Its a kind of bliss i guess.Even though he may be kinda difficult at times but i think its okay,its probably one of the obstacles god gave me.heh^^Imagine if everything for me is gonna be so smooth and fine,its gonna be freaking boring i swear.So yeah,im glad :D

I've never missed someone so much before and its kinda miserable D: but its okay,at least its not an one-sided kind of thing,right?haha i think im quite a lucky and fortunate girl,heee ^^
Sometimes it just feels like a dream.So perfect and ideal till i cant believe its true.Its too good to be true,it makes me feel scared at times :/ What if i wake up one day,and poof,everything is gone?Im really afraid of that D: Im afraid of losing whatever that i have now.I dont even know why i have such insecurities.I would just wanna make sure that everything is in place once in a while.I guess that's the only way to fix my insecurity issue.
Even though im really afraid of getting hurt and all,but there is always a firsts to everything right? :) I just need to explore and gain more experiences along the way,i guess? heh :)

Then,up to here-

Thursday, December 23, 2010

♥

I just realised that i've been crying a lot lately :/ Crying is so tiring ,i dont wanna cry anymore.I seriously hate the fact that im always feeling so emotional and all.It seriously sucks to the core.I just wanna be 15 again,when everything was so perfect with all my friends.

But on the other hand,I've met someone really awesome recently and i guess thats the only thing thats keeping me up.I've never felt this way before and its really strange,the good kind of strange.I just hope that everything will work out well.I really dont want that whole shit to repeat again.I really dislike the feeling of trying to forget someone.

Then,up to here-

Monday, November 22, 2010

♥

I think i kinda forgot how it feels like to have a bestfriend. I guess im living in denial that i still have one.I miss those crazy things we used to do together.
What happened? I feel so lost and perplexed now.I just miss my bestfriend so much.I guess we are both just too lazy to catch up with one another.We're both lazy people which is sad.

I miss going out with her every single day after school for lunch.I miss those times when we would just slack at vivo after school to pig out with all our junk food.I miss waiting for her.I miss how much she could understand me.I miss talking to her about things which i can never talk about to other people.I miss going over to her house to watch drama series and then end up falling asleep together.I miss talking to her on the phone for almost the whole entire day.I miss discussing about our singing career together.I miss talking to her about our crazy fan fictions.I miss singing with her and competing to see who could reach all the high notes.I miss cooking instant noodles with her at her house.I miss doing nothing with her.I miss her complains about how dusty and smokey her house was.I miss shopping with her.I miss her loud voice and laughter.I miss us talking about our ideal boyfriends.I miss talking to her about how we want our marriage to be like.I miss talking to her about how adorable kids are.I just miss her so so much ):

This is life.

Then,up to here-

Monday, November 15, 2010

♥

I really didnt expect Happy to go off so sudden and quickly.Even though i've been preparing myself ever since last july.But i dont know why,im still not prepare and i will never ever be.It was so painful to see the process of him dying.I saw him gasping for air,trying his very best to breathe.It really hurts to see him suffer so much before he passed away.Its not even a day and im already missing him.He has been with me for more than half of my life.I miss his barking,i miss his smell,i miss his cuteness,i miss his everything.I just can't believe it that he is gone.
How now?How am i gonna get used to my life now ? Nobody is gonna welcome me when im home.It just hurts so bad cause he is gone for real.I wonder if he is doing fine now,i hope he is.He must be feeling so scared now :/ Bet he is feeling really lost now. It feels like a nightmare.Seriously,how can Happy die?How could he?! I don't want anything now,i just want him back.I want him to perform tricks for me.
Im so used to him in my life now.Im so used to calling"Happy!!~" randomly when im bored.Then he would come walking towards me while i hear the sound of his nails hitting against the floor. Im gonna miss that sound...a lot :/
I really dont know what to say.Maybe its really just a nightmare.The moment im up the next day,i'll see him next to me.
yes,maybe i should get some sleep now and everything would resume to how it used to be.
goodnight.

Then,up to here-

Saturday, November 13, 2010

♥

I don't know why but i'm scared...Really scared ):

I don't want that feeling to come back.It has been 177 days of torture.I don't wanna be stupid and let this whole shit happen again.Its too tiring for me.

Then,up to here-